Text of commercial/voice over
[Scene of man working out, sweating, then putting suit on without showering]
Guys, I know what you do. You work out, weights and treadmill and all sort of reps, and then you put your suit right back on because you do not want to shower and lose that perspiration smell that marks you as a real man. You don’t want the guys at the bar to think you’re some sort of sissy or effete snob, right? [Visual of several young guys with five o’clock shadows moving away from a clean-smelling guy in a suit]
[Scene of young guy in shorts sitting in a locker room, head resting on hand like the thinker]
I know what you’re thinking. Acne. Lice. Blackheads. Cooties. Pimples. Ringworm. Crotch-rot. You want to shower, you don’t want to deal with that shit. But once you shower, you’re a marked man. No buddies to hang with.
Now from the laboratories of Schvitz & Co. comes a revolutionary new product that is the answer to your prayers: Stinky Soap. A careful and scientifically proven formulation combining the finest of lotions, cleansing agents, aloe and softener, suitable for skin and hair, Stinky Soap also contains a proprietary secret ingredient: eau de sweat. While leaving your body entirely cleansed, without need for jock powder or athletes foot powder or even underarm deodorant, eau de sweat leaves a non-greasy harmless and invisible film that combines with your natural body effluents to create an overall hanging odor of old sweat.
[cut to picture of same man in suit, drinking a beer from a bottle with his friends]
So here you are. You have worked out like a fiend. A hundred reps of everything. You have showered off completely; there isn’t a microbe left on your body. But thanks to the redeeming miracle of eau de sweat, you fit right in with your buddies. [sip of beer covers wink towards the camera] Ain’t Stinky Soap grand? And REMEMBER, only Stinky Soap has eau de sweat. Accept no substitutes.
If you act now, and contact the number on your screen in the next thirty minutes, we will send you ten bars of Stinky Soap for the unbelievable introductory price of $29.95. And that’s not all. For the first 50,000 men who call in, we will add an incredible additional 10 bars of soap and a plastic foam applicator so you can be sure to spread eau de sweat over every inch of your body.
SO—act now, and put yourself on the road to good hygiene without jeopardizing your precious bro-mances.
[picture of a bunch of guys doing a line dance]
Party on, dude. You STINK!
Perhaps you’ve heard of that miracle new product, Stinky Soap. [picture of puce colored bar in the shape of male sex organs]
Perhaps you’ve heard that it will clear out all your cooties and unwanted growing things and leave you pure as Ivory Snow. [picture of a swan floating]
Perhaps you were attracted to the ability to avoid crotch rot and yet still be accepted by your friends [that line dance scene again]
But you haven’t pulled the trigger and joined the Society of Sweat yet—have you?
[guy looking abashed at the camera]
And I bet I know why. [guy looks up quizzically]
It’s the chicks, isn’t it? You think if you smell from sweat you won’t get lucky, right? And let’s face it, you don’t do real well in getting lucky as it is, do you? [guy shyly nods agreement]
Well there is an answer to this problem right under your nose. Do you know what it is? [guy shrugs]
Any bitch that can’t stand your manly natural body odor as the legitimate cost of your amazing six-pack [cut to picture of a guy with no real architecture on his body] doesn’t deserve to hang with the likes of YOU, you stud-muffin you. [guy nods in agreement, grinning]
[visual of man making out with a skanky ugly girl with bad teeth and poor dress]
YOU know that ANY ho who is worth having will want to stay close – real close – to a guy who wears his work-out sweat out to the clubs – and afterwards, in the back of his panel truck [cut to sex in a truck]
BUT if you are still not convinced, those incredible scientists in the lab of Schvitz & Company have invented another brand new product: Stench-be-Gone. Just two drops of this incredible drug behind each ear, and one suppository inserted five minutes in advance, and SHAZAM‼: the effects of eau de sweat are wholly dissipated and you smell like the little girl you really are —NO, I mean you smell like the kind of guy who some chicks insist upon.
SO if you have ever dreamed of both hanging sweaty with the guys and then afterwards actually getting laid by a girl with more than a high school diploma and a hair lip, order a bottle of Stench-be Gone to accompany your order for Stinky Soap. Just another $59.95 for a two-screw – uh, two day supply. Order now and get free shipping by calling the number on your screen.
[visual of our guy in a fancy bedroom on top of a beautiful girl who is holding what appears to be a diploma from Yale]
You’ll be very glad you did.