(Excerpted from an interview with Fox News; March 23, 2038, with CEO Mort Levine)
Every time I pass one of our Institute billboards, it fills me with pride that we are able to provide such valuable service, deep service, to so many of our fellow human beings. Our patronage grows each year and we hope to be empowered in some other countries over the next decade, as soon as they become enlightened enough to follow America’s lead. As ever, we are the moral, social and intellectual leaders and our innovative daring is, rightly, the envy of all peoples except those religious zealots who will here go nameless.
It was typically American that our people noticed that being young was the key to happiness; our advertising skewed sharply to the youth markets, and people male and female were educated to emulate the styles of the young notwithstanding their vagaries. And those same people noted that, although icons deteriorated before their very eyes and became objects of scorn and embarrassment, some few icons never did suffer that fate. They were those lucky enough to be taken young. Jack always had that youthful open face; Marilyn always had that voluptuousness and those moist red red lips; James Dean forever swaggered across our minds, his jeans too low on his hips for comfortable voyeurism. Janis Joplin was forever the rebel with the obscene leer and imagined sexual debauchery.
So about fifteen years ago, young people started to SD. The movement was small at first and much maligned; religious scruples combined with family angst slowed the spread of the practice. But the advantages of being forever remembered as young, your face unlined, your breasts pert or ripped, your teeth straight and gleaming, your hair silky and shiny – the promise of immortal youth was just too strong a fundamental need to be long denied. The Self-Dying cult expanded until it was not a cult at all, but rather a way of life. There was debate, to be sure, as to several features: what was the very best age to SD; what method was least likely to distort the body in shape or expression and thus impact the post-SD photo essays that were posted on the new social media sites (my favorite always was DeadandProud, although its acronym DAP left me somehow uninspired).
So a few of us were sitting around our tech incubator site commenting on the trend, and believe me it was trending trending trending notwithstanding the grieving parents on the TV PSAs – indeed, perhaps even in part because of them. And, forgive me for taking credit but I must report the truth, I myself observed that this was a business waiting to be formed, crowd-sourced and taken public on a fast track. Thus was born ForeverYoung Institute and its public facing how-to site FYI.Org.
Our kits flew off the shelves, although we were unable to package preferred poisons due to intrusive governmental regulations of the sort that have squelched so many imaginative new economy start-ups. We instead had to explain how the necessaries could be otherwise obtained. We provided literature, guidance to audience management, links to videographers, referrals for professional site development, tips on how to monetize the process even if you were not initially famous or significantly followed, and counselling tips to deal with uncomprehending parental units. As State laws, driven by our referendum function, came to accept the concept, we were able to open walk-in clinics where one could have a well-planned event with friends in attendance, or just a natural spur-of-the-moment passage where your email list could be left with us for publicity after the fact.
As no securities exchange would list our shares when we went public, we availed ourselves of over-the-counter trading, but after our third public offering attracted over $2 billion, NASDAQ was forced to relent and now you can follow us daily in your paper or on line (trading symbol DEAD). I must say that when our team was invited to the White House conference on Innovation and I found myself on a panel with Elon Musk and Bill Gates I felt proud to be part of the evolving American Dream. Bill I admit was a bit luke-warmish as he has directed his fortune to saving lives but Elon realized that life is a choice, and that Bill should direct his attention to those who chose to try for a long existence and should keep his nose out of free choice which, after all, made America great.
I should not close without mentioning our newly developed service; it will be announced in a couple of weeks but I guess there is no harm in sharing with you the general outlines now. Starting this fall, at selected drop-in centers, older Americans past the age where being young forever seems feasible, now can participate also in this revolutionary movement. In a few short hours, plastic surgery, laser sculpting, hair dying, make-up artists and Hollywood-trained costume designers can transform old people, even up the age of 35, into their younger true inner selves, and then they can undergo the event and they, too, can be young forever.
Yes, I agree; America is a wonderful country full of innovative people and a daring general population. As soon as our lobbyists can move Congress to act, the foolish artificial age floor will be removed and all citizens will also be able to stay young forever, and at either earlier or later life points—well, I cannot even imagine our stock price in a couple of years. So here’s a tip, if I may without the SEC landing on my neck: buy FYI shares now. You will not be sorry.